Our Own Private Silence
by venivan
Summary: When Yamaguchi has a migraine attack and Tsukkishima needs to take care of him, he prepares himself for the worst. He rushes to Yamaguchi's house, only to find out that caring for people involves more intimacy than he thought it would…
Tsukkishima wasn't good at caring for people.

He wasn't good at caring for anything, or about anything, so helping people who were in need had always been an uncomfortable thing. He hated it if people had to rely on him or on his abilities to make things better, because most of the time those abilities where pretty much non existed.

The problem wasn't really that he didn't care. He did care, sometimes. It was just that he didn't know what to do, how to act, or what to say. When people where sick or felt down, he felt uncomfortable.

He always did his best to never get into situations where caring for people was necessary, but sometimes it just couldn't be avoided. If a situation like that would knock on the door that was Tsukkishima's life, it would never knock gently, oh no, of course not it would never knock gently. There was no such a thing as ' a simple problem' in the life of Tsukkishima Kei. Problems didn't just gently ask to come into his life, they would knock his door down, and when he tried to push them back again, they would just push him back and slap him in his face, taking away his faith in humanity in the process.

Problems always involved other people. And they always came unexpected.

So when he woke up on a Sunday morning because of his ringing cell phone, he was surprised. When his hand reached for his phone he somehow already knew things wouldn't go easy today.

The one calling was Yamaguchi.

Oh boy. Why would Yamaguchi call him this early?

He put the phone by his ear. "hello?"

There was silence for a second. Tsukkishima knew he looked utterly annoyed, but phones luckily didn't convey facial expressions, so he had no intention in changing that.

"Tsukki?"

Yamaguchi's voice was hardy hearable. It also sounded…wrong somehow. Not like his usual self. Tsukkishima rubbed in his eyes to force himself to wake up completely.

"Yamaguchi," he asked, "Are you okay?"

The only thing Tsukkishima heard was sniffing. "tsukki," Yamaguchi finally said, "my head hurts so much, Tsukki."

Tsukkishima's heart started pounding. He couldn't tell if it was because of annoyance or because of worry, but he surly knew he didn't like it. He didn't know what to say, so he just let Yamaguchi talk.

"I've never felt this horrible before, Tsukki," Yamaguchi said, sounding awfully weak, "It hurts so much. And there is nobody here. my parents are gone…and…I don't want to be an inconvenience to you, but…I can't even get out of my bed…and…I just…"

"Just, say it Yamaguchi." Tsukkishima interrupted. He dragged himself out of his bed and was already halfway his pants. He knew what was going to happen, so he could just as well get ready for it.

Yamaguchi was silent. It took him a good whole 30 seconds to talk again, but Tsukkishima didn't mind. He just waited for his friend to speak.

Yamaguchi had finally found the strength to talk when Tsukkishima was already in the bathroom, ready to brush his teeth.

"I just don't want to be alone Tsukki."

A small silence, and then: "will you please come over?"

Tsukkishima only responded with a short "sure." And "I'll be one my way."

He hung up the phone and brushed his teeth.

So Yamaguchi was sick. And he, Tsukkishima Kei, needed to go take care of him, while nobody was there to help him. Great.

He quickly threw some stuff in his bag (his homework, some painkillers and an extra sweater), put his headphones on his ears, left a note that said that he was at Yamaguchi's, threw on his jacket and went out.

It was still fairly early and as soon as he opened the door he was met with a cold breeze that made him shiver. He quickly shot the door behind him, only half aware that he did it so loud that everyone in the house would probably wake up.

He didn't really care, as they didn't have to go outside on a cold, early Sunday morning, but he still flinched a little when he heard the door fall in the lock with a loud bang. Oh well. He would explain himself later. Would they buy it if he told them that he was just stressed because he wanted to make sure that his friend was okay? His mom would find it adorable. And it wouldn't be a complete lie, he did want Yamaguchi to be okay. He just wished his help wasn't needed for that.

Sadly his help was needed, and there was nothing he could do about it. Yamaguchi had sounded miserable, so Tsukkishima made sure he hurried. He picked his bike out of the garage and pushed it through the front gate. It was a 30 minute long ride and he wasn't looking forward to that at all, so he put on some music to keep his mood slightly above freezing point. He didn't want to be in his I'm-completely-done-with-this-shit mode before he even reached his friend's house, so it was needed. He let the beat of the song take his attention away for a minute, and then started riding. He wanted to stay as possible as he could, and if that meant that he head to ride with music in his ears, even though he wouldn't be able to hear the traffic that way, so be it.

Maybe, somewhere in the corner his mind, he also wanted to keep his mood positive so Yamaguchi wouldn't think he was being a burden, but he would never admit that.

He didn't want Yamaguchi to think he was a burden, partly because it was incredibly annoying if Yamaguchi would go into his I'm-sorry-about-everything mode, but mostly because Tsukkishima did really care for his friend.

Even though he pretty much lost his will to live when it started raining halfway Yamaguchi's house, he didn't blame Yamaguchi. He blamed the weather. He blamed his jacket. He blamed Yamaguchi's pain. He blamed Yamaguchi's family for not being home. But he didn't blame Yamaguchi, because Yamaguchi was sick. And Yamaguchi needed him, Tsukkishima Kei, to help him.

And even though it was a pain in the ass, Tsukkishima couldn't help but feel a little special. He tried to press the feeling away, because it made him feel ridicules, but he was still determent to help his friend feel better.

There was fear to fuck up, sure.

Tsukkishima was awkward as hell when it came to helping people, sure.

But he would do his best. Even if he hated everything right now, he would do his best.

So when he finally arrived at Yamaguchi's house, completely soaked and shivering, his headphones wet and hopefully still alive, he somehow managed to get his face from I-want-to-kill-everything to I-just-really-don't-want-to-be-here-right-now, and he was pretty proud of that.

He rang the bell, but nobody came. After waiting for a minute or so he just grabbed the spare key that he knew laid under a small rock, and let himself in.

"coming in," he said, while closing the door. It was nice and warm in the house. More importantly, it wasn't raining.

He quickly threw of his jacket and walked into the living room. There was nobody there, so he just walked straight to Yamaguchi's bedroom. After a soft knock he opened the door, finding the small room in complete darkness. The light from the hall shined inside and showed a flinching Yamaguchi who quickly pulled the covers up.

"Yamaguchi," Tsukkishima asked, already feeling uncomfortable, "are you okay?"

Yamaguchi slowly rose from his blanket, his eyes twitching and his eyebrows frowning in pain. "Tsukki!" he said, and Tsukkishima could see a little excitement on his face. "I'm fine, the light just startled me."

"oh," Tsukkishima answered, "okay."

Silence.

"do you need anything?"

Yamaguchi closed his eyes, as if thinking and looking around where too much to handle at the same time. He didn't look really sick, but Tsukkishima could see that his friend was in pain. Yamaguchi never frowned that much.

Yamaguchi still held his eyes closed when he spoke.

"can you get me a glass of water, Tsukki?"

"of course,"

Tsukkishima was happy that he could do something simple. He was already walking to the kitchen, but the then quickly turned around again.

"I've brought some painkillers for you," he said, hoping that Yamaguchi wouldn't point out how thoughtful that was, "do you want any?"

A tiny smile, weak but sincere. "that would be really helpful, Tsukki."

"I'll get them right away," Tsukkishima said, feeling stupidly proud of himself.

He had thought of something that would help Yamaguchi.

All by himself.

Nobody had been like: 'oh, maybe you should bring the sick kid painkillers.'

It had been his idea.

It honestly felt like quit a big victory.

Of course, he didn't admit that to himself, and because hiding your feelings for your own brain costs energy, he looked deadly moody in the mirror that hung next to the refrigerator.

He didn't pay attention to it though, he just filled a glass with water and got the painkillers out of his bag.

When he walked into Yamaguchi's room again he wanted to push on the light switch, but he quickly pulled his hand back.

"Yamaguchi," he asked, "can I put the light on?"

"please don't," Yamaguchi said, slightly terrified, "my eyes are really sensitive right now."

Tsukki raised a single eyebrow. What was this for illness? He wanted to ask about it, but he didn't want to be rude, and he knew he was rude, like, 90 percent of the time, so he probably shouldn't take the risk.

"sure," he said, as he shuffled inside the room. "can I keep the door open though? Otherwise I won't be able to see what I'm doing."

Yamaguchi nodded, and Tsukkishima could see that even that tiny little movement hurt his head.

He quickly gave Yamaguchi the glass of water and the painkillers, praying that the medicine would work so well that Yamaguchi would immediately jump out of bed and do a dance in the hall. He would ask Tsukkishima to spent the day, as it was still raining outside, and Tsukkishima honestly wouldn't mind, he would be relieved that he didn't have to care for a sick person, and they would just go and play video games or something.

Tsukkishima wouldn't mind beating Yamaguchi in super smash brothers. Again.

Of course, that didn't happen. While Yamaguchi laid in bed, the now empty glass of water still in his hand, Tsukkishima just sat there on the ground, unsure about what he should do.

He knew that the hard part of taking care of someone started here. Everyone could get a glass of water for someone, but what was he supposed to do now? Should he just sit here and wait in silence? Should he talk to Yamaguchi? Should he get out of the room and give Yamaguchi some space? Should he say something motivating?

' _do your best, you can do it!'_

Did people say stuff like that when you were sick?

' _it will all be okay.'_

Would that even make sense? Tsukkishima had no information about Yamaguchi's illness. Saying that everything would be okay would be a baseless statement.

' _do you want to talk about it?'_

Tsukkishima shook his head. That was utterly stupid. Yamaguchi was sick, not depressed.

He looked at his friend in the bed, who just stared at the ceiling with his eyes half open. Tsukkishima had the strong feeling that he had to say something, but he didn't know what. He was surprisingly nervous, and he absolutely hated that, so when he finally found something safe to say, he felt a smile grow on his face.

"if there is anything I can do for you," he said, "you can say it, right?"

Yamaguchi smiled. It was different from when Tsukkishima had been smiling. Tsukkishima's smile was a smile of victory, Yamaguchi's smile was one of sincere thankfulness.

Yamaguchi's smile probably looked a lot better that Tsukkishima's

"thank you, Tsukki," Yamaguchi said, "I'll keep it in mind."

Tsukkishima nodded, happy that he had said something, but then realized that he had nothing else to say, and that he was pretty much back at the start again. He signed, and mindlessness fidgeted with his fingers, till Yamaguchi eventually noticed his discomfort.

"Tsukki," he said, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Tsukkishima answered, probably a little bit too fast, "I just wished I could help you, that all."

Yamaguchi was silence for a second. Tsukkishima could see that he was thinking really hard. It seemed to hurt him quite a bit, but Yamaguchi also looked determent.

Determent for what, that was something Tsukkishima still had to find out.

"there is one thing," Yamaguchi said, "that you could do. But I think you wouldn't want to do it."

Tsukkishima shook his head. "I'll do it," he said, only half sure of himself. It couldn't be that bad, right?

"you'll find it stupid," Yamaguchi said.

Tsukkishima opened his mouth to disagree, but then realized that it was probably true.

"I'll do it anyway," he eventually said, "even if I think it's stupid."

Yamaguchi fidgeted with the blanket.

"okay..." he said, hesitant, "Well, the light really hurt my head now. And….I don't know, my head feels like it's about to explode. The painkillers didn't work that well, and it's really hard to deal with this."

Tsukkishima was silent, not sure what was expected of him. Yamaguchi took the time to catch his breath, and then looked Tsukkishima in the eye.

Tsukkishima knew that look. It was Yamaguchi's I'm-going-to-do-the-thing look. It meant that he was about to do something that he was nervous about.

Tsukkishima hoped that whatever it was wouldn't be too much of a pain in the ass.

"I was wondering," Yamaguchi said slowly, "could you…close the door?"

Tsukkishima raised an eyebrow. "is that all?"

Yamaguchi looked at the ceiling and slowly shook his head. "could you," he asked again, "could you close the light and…"

Silence. A deep breathe. And then, in a whispering voice:

"could you…come lay in bed with me?"

Tsukkishima really tried to stay open minded. He really did. But this was something he didn't expect.

"wha…" he couldn't hide his confusion, "wha-what?"

Goddammit, he could feel his cheeks turning red.

He didn't know if it made it better or worse that Yamaguchi was blushing too. For a few seconds, they were both silent. Then Yamaguchi spoke, so soft that it was hardly hearable.

"it would help me feel more…comfortable," he said, "It would help me calm down a little."

Only now did Tsukkishima notice how Yamaguchi was grabbing onto the blanket like his life depended on it. Only now did Tsukkishima see how Yamaguchi was shivering, shaking almost, how his heart was beating in his chest, how the sweat dripped over his forehead. Only now did Tsukkishima notice the quick and unsteady breaths, the twitching eyes and the slightly scared look in those big, round eyes.

Yamaguchi truly was in a lot of pain. It was almost making him panic. And Tsukkishima needed to stop that.

Tsukkishima looked at the floor, just to avoid having to look his friend in the eyes. He awkwardly stood up to close the door.

"fine," he said while looking into the hall. His hand closed the door, and it almost felt like he was suddenly trapped in a place where he didn't want to be. "I'll come lay next to you."

It was pitch black in the room now. Tsukkishima kept his hand on the doorknob for a few seconds, but then forced himself to let go.

He slowly shuffled towards the bed, holding his hands in front of him to make sure that he wouldn't bump into anything.

When he felt his foot bump against the bed a small gasp escaped from his mouth. He angrily bit on his lip, hoping that Yamaguchi wouldn't notice how fast his heart was beating.

It sounded ridiculously loud to Tsukkishima. It was bumping in his chest, fast and aggressive. But Yamaguchi wouldn't notice that, right? He would be in too much pain to notice something like that, right?

Tsukkishima breathed in and lowered his body.

"move," he said, "give me some place to lay."

The sound of blankets moving, and then, Yamaguchi's voice, sweet and soft: "here you go, Tsukki."

Goddammit. Tsukkishima could feel his cheeks heat up. He was red as a tomato right now, he just knew it. Luckily it was pitch black, and Yamaguchi wouldn't see it, but it still felt uncomfortable.

This was not what he had prepared for when Yamaguchi had asked him to come over.

He sighed and then slowly laid down on the bed. He shuffled under the blanket and carefully put his whole long body on the small bed. He tried to do it smooth and fast, but that seemed impossible. A few times their bodies touched, and every time he flinched a little. An arm against an arm. A leg against leg. Yamaguchi was warm and sweaty, Tsukkishima cold and still slightly moist from the rain, and it felt strange for Tsukkishima to feel the hot body parts of his friend bump into his cold limps.

"you're cold, Tsukki," Yamaguchi said. Tsukkishima didn't answer and quickly laid down completely. Their bodies didn't touch anymore, but they were so close that Tsukkishima could still feel the warmth of the other.

For a minute, it was silent. There was nothing more than the sound of two boys breathing, probably too close to each other, and Yamaguchi's toes who kept moving around under the blanket, panicky and restless.

Of course there was also still the sound of Tsukkishima's heartbeat, but he still stubbornly pretended like that wasn't hearable.

Tsukkishima tried to focus on his breathing. It was going ridiculously fast and he tried to slow it down with all his might. He stared into the dark, his heart still beating like crazy, and cursed himself for getting so fed up.

This wasn't like him.

He was nervous. Uncomfortable.

But still…laying here, next to his best friend in the dark…

It was strange, but…

He didn't hate it.

His hands tensed up for a moment. Relax, he said to himself. Just relax.

He listed to Yamaguchi's breathing, fast and irregular. He closed his eyes and released the tension from his fingers. He was too scared to move a muscle, knowing that they laid so close to each other that they would surly touch if he would move.

It was strange. It wasn't like they had never touched each other before. Whenever they walked together, their shoulders would bump into each other. When they were eating, Yamaguchi would give him a piece of candy, and their fingers would touch. They were always close, there was always hardly a few centimetres in between them, so why did it feel so uncomfortable now?

"Tsukki?"

Tsukkishima gasped. Yamaguchi had startled him, had pulled him out of his thoughts, and now his heart was beating even faster.

"yes, Yamaguchi?" he asked, hoping that his voice sounded normal.

Yamaguchi was silent for a few seconds. It was just enough time for the sentence that he was about to say to have even more impact

"thank you for coming here to help me, Tsukki. I'm very grateful."

Yamaguchi's voice sounded so close that Tsukkishima could feel a shiver go down his spine. Yamaguchi's voice was soft, nothing more than a small whisper, but so close to his ear, it seemed louder than anything. It travelled through Tsukkshima's ear, and once again reminded him how incredibly close they were.

To close?

Tsukkishima didn't even know.

He didn't answer, not knowing what to say. Yamaguchi was always okay with him being silent. That was pleasant. He liked hearing what Yamaguchi had to say, but he himself didn't like to talk all the time. Yamaguchi understood that, and for Tsukkishima, that was a big reason why he liked hanging out with his best friend so much.

His best friend.

Who was in terrible pain right now.

"Yamaguchi," he heard himself asking. There was something he needed to know. "Are you sure you shouldn't go to the doctor? Do you even know why you have so much pain?"

His voice sounded more concerned then he wanted, but he didn't have the energy to pay attention to stuff like that right now.

"It's okay, Tsukki," Yamaguchi answered, "I'm just having a migraine attack. I had them all the time when I was younger."

Tsukkishima breathed out. "a…migraine attack?"

Yamaguchi moved a little bit in the bed. "It's horrible. My head hurt like hell. I am very sensitive for light and sound. Even moving hurts. I'm also dizzy and nauseous."

"but it's not harmful?" Tsukkishima asked.

Yamaguchi immediately answered. "nope. Just really, really, really, painful. It's been a long time since I had an attack, so I was surprised when I woke up with one this morning."

There was silence for a few seconds. Tsukkishima wanted to say something, but he didn't know what was appropriate. Eventually he just went with the only thing that came up in his mind.

"That sucks."

Yamaguchi let out a small laugh. "yeah, It does."

Silence again. Tsukkishima wanted to say something, to make sure that the silence wouldn't become awkward, but he was surprised that it didn't feel awkward in the first place.

It didn't even feel like he had to say anything.

This wasn't awkward silence. This wasn't I-don't-know-what-to-say-silence. This was Yamaguchi-and-Tsukkishima silence. It was the silence that would hang in between them when they were together but didn't necessarily felt the urge to talk. It was a comfortable silence, a gentle silence, one that made you feel relaxed and safe.

Yamaguchi-and-Tsukkishima silence was Tsukkishima's favourite silence. It was a silence filled with mutual respect, friendship and understanding.

This silence told Tsukkishima that everything was okay like it was. The way that their shoulders almost touched. The darkness that somehow made everything even more intimate. The slow breaths that simultaneously left their mouths. The warmth that they shared. The way that their bodies connected, even though they didn't touch each other.

It was all okay. It was all fine.

Tsukkshima relaxed.

His shoulders sank down into the matrass, his fist unfolded, his heart slowed down, and then he suddenly realized that this was more than just fine.

This was good.

This was nice.

He was very surprised by that thought.

Here, in their own private silence, he suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of happiness. It was a feeling that was unfamiliar to him, but that simultaneously felt like coming home.

Coming home with Yamaguchi was a good thing. It was a very good thing.

And as soon as he realized that, the feeling almost got destroyed.

Yamaguchi's breathing suddenly escalated, killing this nice silence in between them. The breaths were fast, uncontrolled and shallow. It scared Tsukkishima a little.

"Yamaguchi," he whispered as soft as he could, not wanting to say goodbye to the silence just yet, "are you okay?"

"yes." Yamaguchi's voice sounded weak. Tsukkishima didn't believe it one bit. There were a few seconds of silence, thick and harmful silence, before Yamaguchi let out a small sob.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately, "It just hurts so much."

Tsukkishima didn't know what to do. He instantly panicked. Just when he had felt so good and relaxed, something like this had to happen.

He had to do something.

He had to say something.

There had to be something he could say, something his friend needed to hear, something that would calm him down.

Why was he so bad with words if it came to situations like this?

Yamaguchi's breathing kept escalating, and Tsukkishima just laid there, panicking, completely unable to do anything.

He was a bad friend. He was such a bad friend.

While the seconds ticked on and his mind just became more blank, his body somehow knew what to do. His arm moved, panicky and nervous, and accidently touched Yamaguchi's shoulder. It was a small touch, but suddenly, he knew exactly what to do.

He didn't give himself the time to chicken out of it. He didn't give himself time to think.

His hand knew what to do. It moved on its own, and Tsukkishima knew he couldn't stop it, so he didn't try.

He slowly but surely grabbed Yamaguchi's hand and held it firmly in his own. This time, both of them were warm, and they almost melted into each other. Tsukkishima could feel Yamaguchi's fingers close around his own, soft and gentle, but also eagerly and thankful. Yamaguchi's hand was trembling, and Tsukkishima boldly squeezed it, happy that he could feel the trembling disappear almost immediately.

Yamaguchi automatically moved closer, and before Tsukkishima knew it, their shoulders where pressing against each other.

He didn't even have the time to be startled. His body immediately accepted Yamaguchi's arm, and Tsukkishima could feel his body move closer to Yamaguchi. Their feet also moved closer to each other, gently touching under the blanket.

This was fine. This was good.

Yamaguchi's breathing slowly went back to normal. Tsukkishima knew there was nothing he had to say. Whenever he would feel Yamaguchi's body tense up, he would squeeze his hand.

'I am here,' the hand would say.

Their bodies relaxes against each other, and the pleasant silence came back. Tsukkishima let out a satisfied sigh.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was panicking. Some part of him was screaming about how ridicules this was. Some part of him –his face- was blushing furiously.

But he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. Yamaguchi calmed down, and Tsukkishima honestly felt good. Really, really good.

He wasn't going to let his shallow pride take that away for him. He closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Yamaguchi.

He didn't think about what would happen when Yamaguchi's headache would stop. He didn't think about how their friendship was surly about to change.

He just thought about now, and how good he felt, and how good it felt to lay so close to his best friend.

When Yamaguchi nuzzled his face into his, he only smiled.

Noses touching, cheeks brushing again each other.

The darkness was pleasing, hiding any embarrassing expressions, but also bringing them closer to each other.

Their own private little bubble of silence.

Bodies touching, minds connected.

Two individuals who completely understood each other, without even needing to talk.

A calm Yamaguchi and a satisfied Tsukkishima.

Tsukkishima felt vulnerable, but mostly warm and safe.

He curled up next to Yamaguchi and squeezed his hands some more.

Maybe caring for people wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

 **First things first, migraines are really shitty. I have them myself on a weekly basis, and I just wanted to make clear that they should be taken serious. People used to tell me to just come to school because "it is just a headache", but it's really not. It's a really painful thing that you can't just ignore, You can only lay in the dark and wait till it's over.**

 **Now that the salt is out of the way, I hope you liked the fanfiction! Please leave a comment to tell me what you thought about it! Comments make me squeeze from excitement, seriously. ^_^**

 **I really liked writing this, Tsukki and Yama are so precious, I love them so much. It was my first time writing Tsukki POV, and it was a really fun experience.**

 **Thanks for reading!**


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